skyrunner68
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Re:2 Years - 2008/07/30 21:03
It is 2 years since the accident and such an unbelievably sad and confusing time for many of us. It has definitely been a trial. God never promised us a life free of loss, grief, or struggle, but I have to believe something good and worthwhile has to come from this terrible event. That the death of our friends and family was not in vain. I'm responsible for carrying on my part of their memory. Would they look at me and feel that I have acted honorably. I have spent an awful lot of time mourning, feeling sorry for myself, and living in that day and the days before the accident. I just float through life not really adding to anyone's life or carrying on the precious gift of their spirits. Steve told me once that the accident would change me. Of course neither of us knew how or what would change, it was pretty much up to me and my ability to get past their loss. I still don't know how to get past this ghost-like exhistance and be in the present and not in the past. I spend an enormous amount of time trying to recreate the past complete with the feelings of security, love, routine, and definately a life without this crushing loss. All a pointless and irresponsible dream to live and exist before 29 Jul 06.
I cry and sob and with each tear, I shed the stress and anger of the last 2 years. Slowly I catch up to the present time, even as the past continues to tug at my heart, emotions, and mind. I see it as a clearing in the forest ringed with trees that glow and draw me closer. They whisper of the long deep circle of their love. But the circle is cold and empty because it no longer exists in this time. Sometimes I focus on the light so much that I can't see the present clearly. I don't want to leave the circle because, if nothing else, I know how that story ended. Beyond the clearing is the future and all that is unknown. For all I know there is another clearing just outside where I will deal with more loss; I just don't know when I'll face that clearing.
God help me to not let their loss be in vain. They were all full of life and wouldn't want to turn the survivors into ghosts on this earth.
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